Petrified

imgbba6bca0I decided to end this month of Full Moon Entertainment films with one that I actually liked. But let it be known, what I get out of a B-horror flick like this and what I get out of something along the lines of We Are What We Are or The Battery is two very different beasts. For me Petrified is equal parts good times and sheer bafflement. Mostly my confusion came from just how quickly Petrified is ready to just throw out sub-plots… something I’ll go more into later. What drew me to Petrified is the same thing that I’m sure drew others to this film and that’s Charles Band isn’t doing puppets. While I enjoy the puppet stuff and it’s a big part of Full Moon’s shtick, I’m just a little burned out on puppets at the moment.

Petrified opens with an illegal antiquities deal going sideways when two crooks double cross not just he buys, which is terrible business practice mind you. But also their partner, also bad business. While the buyer does end up dead, the partner Buzz York (Roark Critchlow) manages to escape with one of the pieces. But the damage is done as the buyers blood resurrects the mummy that was part of the shipment. The mummy comes to life breaking free and using his petrifying gaze on them, because this mummy’s from space. I’m not even joking, they could have gone with the mummy is magic. I mean, that makes sense, right? Not here though, here the mummy is from space and is regenerating thanks to the blood. Buzz finds his way to… sex clinic, where they are treating nymphomaniacs. Which isn’t actually a thing, hyper-sexuality is a thing though. Did no one on this film do their research? Any Buzz meets Helen Noel (Jessica Lancaster), who claims to be a doctor for the clinic. But is actually there to rescue her sister Suze (Kimberly Pfeffer). She’s thwarted though by the clinics Janitor Garth (Tim Murphy), who eventually free’s the clinics actual doctor (Ozman Sirgood). It’s right around this time that the Mummy shows up and starts killing all the nympho’s. Buzz reveals his an undercover FBI agent, but can he stop the alien mummy before it’s too late?

Ok, I just wanted to get through to the part where I talk about how this film just throws sub-plots away. We have the two thieves, who although turned to stone we left to wonder if they’re cured at the end of the film with Helen. Also there’s Buzz’s back-up Agent Shelly (Stephanie Gentry) and Agent Tanner (Robert Buckley). They go through this whole deal about going on a date, then just never brought up again or in any way referenced. There’s the Asian girl who looks in her 20’s but is actually in her 60’s. Just dropped.

The mummy does look pretty good though. He does start a little rocky, but is toothy mouth and wet looking skin grew on me. I also like that he was wrapped like a mummy. Which sure, makes no sense. But this isn’t about sense, its about fun. I do wish he had more going on than just the petrifying gaze. Which was cool the first time, but quickly lost it’s charm.

Final thoughts, I would easily say that of all the films I’ve seen this month, Petrified is the best. It does a decent job of delivering on what a horror film should. Dread and revulsion, though the revulsion. A little on the weak side and would have been a much better film if the script would have been tightened up some. But, I was still satisfied with what I saw. 7/10

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