You Can’t Kill Stephen King

you-cant-kill-stephen-king-dvd-001Admittedly, I’m a sucker for all things Stephen King. Which is not news for those that follow this blog, but I feel that it needed to be repeated. As  it heavily colors my opinion of this film. The other thing that You Can’t Kill Stephen King has going for is that it’s not just a Horror-Comedy. It’s a Slasher and since I’m still on hiatus from my Slasher Series, I figured I would just do this one as a write-up. The honesty of the trailer was refreshing and the low production level made the film feel more grounded than it rightfully should have. Then again, I just came for some cheap kills and piles of Stephen King references, of which both were delivered.

You Can’t Kill Stephen King opens with in the standard Slasher format with the murder of some hottie, this one in a torn AC/DC shirt running through woods. She killed off quickly and the film breaks to Monroe Bachman (Monroe Mann) and his sister Hilary (Crystal Arnette) taking their friends Ronnie (Robie Khalil), Lori (Kate Costello), Lamont (Justin Brown) and Nicole (Kayle Blogna) to their family cabin that they just inherited. The cabin is on the lake in a small town where Stephen King is rumored to live. The ask around about Stephen King, but the locals are tight lipped and encourage the group to go to another lake forty miles away. As they like their town quite. Undeterred the crew heads the lake, where after Lori lends a hand, they manage to rent a boat. Loosing to Nose Goes, Lamont has to drive the minivan back to the cabin after filling up the tank. While the others get to play on the lake. While said fun is happening on the lake, Lamont gets lost. But ultimately is able to find the gas station. After filling up Lamont is attacked and killed, but no one is able to hear him over his loud music. After growing concern over their friend Monroe and the girls go to look for Lamont, having dropped Ronnie off at the cabin as he got seasick. After walking into town they come across the crime scene where Ronnie is asked to identify Lamont’s remains. Which he is able to do via a tattoo on Lamont’s arm. The police tell him that they believe he was attacked by a wild animal. Sullen they return to the cabin, where Ronnie learns of Lamont’s death. The trip plus Lamont’s death starts bring Nicole and Monroe back together, the two being former paramours. This new found relationship has a brick brought down through it when, Lori kisses Monroe to get Ronnie to leave her alone. Who tells Nicole, who flips shit like she’s still in high school over it and storms out. Nicole storms off into the woods pissed and screaming. When she happens on a stranger in dark clothing with a hammer. Said encounter ends how you would expect, with Monroe finding her and carrying her from the woods. Noticing Nicole injuries Monroe realizes that someone is hunting and killing them…

While I didn’t toss them in the summary, there are a fair number of Stephen King references. Most notably is the main characters last name Bachman. Which is the pseudonym that Stephen King wrote under for a number of years. The long being my favorite under that name. But also the boat, twins, an IT reference that is beyond blatant. I do wish they would have spent more time referencing King and his work, than just saying his name a lot. Which they do.

The kills are OKish. Nothing that stands out and they get progressively weaker as the film continues on. Which is not how a good Slasher should function and it’s the Slasher aspects of the film that I have most of my issues with. Though they do have a decent victim pool I suppose and the twist killer is interesting and inventive in its own right.

The acting… well was pretty much garbage. But this isn’t the film you watch for good acting. If you put in You Can’t Kill Stephen King hoping for Oscar worthy performances, than that’s on you. So I’m just going to give all the actors and actresses a pass. Because as far as B-Movie performances go, they ain’t half bad.

Final thoughts, You Can’t Kill Stephen King is a silly kind fun and a great way to kill an evening. This goes double if you happen to be fans of either Stephen King or Slashers. Though as I said the Slasher aspects are weak as shit. So if you happen to be a hardcore fan of the genre, expect that going in. 8/10


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